The Chronicles of the Indian Railways

Episode 1: My APPY story

So, we all know about how convenient the Indian Railways network is when it comes to visiting our ‘but-I’ve –never-met-them-before’ relatives in Cochin, or the great-grand-father in Bhopal. The Indian trains are a vehicle for all occasions, all age-groups, and all seasons. It does not discriminate based on caste, creed, sex , the density of your facial hair or how hard you can sneeze in public.
Having grown up in India and having changed over nine educational institutions due to our constant shifting all over the country, because of my Dad’s transferable job- I’ve had more than my share of adventures with the Indian railways.
I started traveling alone for the first time (on a regular basis) when I was in my college. I had shifted to another city and was living in a hostel. So, come holidays, I’d gleefully pack up my ‘stuff’ in a bag or two and head home to eat my mom’s hand-made parathas and ‘gaajar ka halwa’.
So, there was this one time when I was heading home for my winter vacations, when all the guys in the hostel had unanimously decided to turn into bears and go into hibernation. The Guys really started competing fiercely in the ‘who-can-sleep-longer’ competition which became a rage during the winters.
This incident revolves around the soda called ‘Appy-fizz’. I don’t know how many of you have heard about the drink ‘Appy’ (Apple juice) but I think it was quite popular. Well, it sure was popular with my taste buds since I used to gulp down at least one pack a day (one pack a day is high considering the fact I was in hostel and the finances were required to be managed very sharply…sharply enough to make any gujju proud). So, about a month before my journey date, this new version of ‘Appy’ called ‘Appy fizz’ had come out that just mixed the appy drink with soda and came out with a bubbling-fizzy version of Appy. Needless to say, I fell in love with it. Since, it was priced more than twice the normal appy drink since it came in a bigger bottle, I used to have it rarely. The train journeys home were always a chance for me to spend lavishly since I knew my ‘funds’ would get refilled as soon as I got home. 
So I happily bought the bottle of that golden fizzy drink right before boarding the train. As always, with me and with most other guys in the country, I checked who my co-passengers were and to my utter disappointment (as usual), I found that I was literally surrounded by aunties. In fact, I was the only other guy in the bunch of eight seats in mys section of the coach. Oh! The other male was a eight month old baby happily gargling away his own spit on his mother’s lap.
So as with all Indian Aunties, these aunties, although seemingly from different regions of India , started yapping away in full glory with an enthusiasm that would have put a pair of 13 year old girls to shame.
At that time I belonged to the under-privileged population of the society that did NOT own an i-pod which served as their best friends in the aforementioned situations. So I sat there looking at the passing farmlands out of the ‘window seat’. I suddenly felt thirsty and twist-opened my bottle of Appy Fizz to have a sip or two. As I did so, one of the aunty’s eyes fell on the bottle. Her momentary glance, quickly returned in under three seconds and turned into a full-fledged glare.
The conversation that followed between me and the glaring-aunty will be written in direct speech in the lines below to maximize their impact :

Aunty: “Beta, what is that you are drinking”…. She said this in a tone that clearly had hints of annoyance.
Me: It’s a new drink aunty. It’s called Appy Fizz.
Aunty: But it looks like whisky no?!
Me: No aunty, It’s just apple juice with soda in it.
Aunty: (clearly not convinced) It surely looks like whisky to me, give me and I will taste it and tell you.
Me: (appalled at aunty’s suspicion) But Aunty, it’s a cold-drink soda. It’s available in most shops around the country.
Aunty: Then let me taste it no?! You won’t have any praablem if I had a sip of it no?!
Me: Ok. Here you go. (And I handed over the drink to the lady).
Aunty : (first sniffs it and puts up distorted looking expression …then she very reluctantly takes a sip …a sip that wouldn’t even be enough for a sparrow to get a taste of that liquid in his tastebuds) AAK!! This IS BEEEEER! ….ayyyyayyooo….
The glaring-Aunty then managed to 'rainbow' (yeah I used it as a verb) her expressions that ranged from shock, to appalled to sheer surprise.

Now, I don’t know how she knew what beer tasted like, or how she quickly converted her precious accusation of my drink being ‘brandy’ to calling it ‘beeeeeeer’…but I surely was confused and did give her my best stare.
At the aunty’s shriek, all the other aunties raised their eyebrows so high that for a moment I thought they heard my glaring-aunty say that I was Rakhi Sawant.
I had had enough nonsense for the night, so I dutifully took my bottle back from her and tried explaining for the next 20 minutes that my drink contained absolutely no alcohol or beeeeer in it. I showed her the ingredients list, showed her the green dot in the square that indicated that the consumable product was vegetarian and many other things.
Glaring-Aunty finally got over her shock and let me stay in my berth and did not make me leave. She however did threaten me by saying “I shall tell yaar parents when they come at station”.
I couldn’t believe what had happened in the past half hour and I couldn’t stop laughing about it later. I did manage to consume my ‘beeeeer’ when the lights turned out and disposed off the bottle as soon as the last drop was in my mouth.
So guys n gals, next time you board the good ol’ Indian Railways for a trip home, make sure you buy ‘safe’ products that have ‘anti-aunty-glaring’ ingredients in it….otherwise you might end up in a soup like your truly. :)

Peace out!